Saturday, November 17, 2007

Who is Cooler?

The cult Canadian television program Kenny vs. Spenny is finally getting a broad US airing thanks to Comedy Central. The show revolves around lifelong best friends Kenny Hotz and Spencer Rice spending an episode determining who is better at a particular challenge, be it who can stay homeless longer, who can produce more semen, who can sell more bibles, and other juvenile challenges. Apparently South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone love the show and are executive producing their fourth and latest season. Even if you are not a fan of their work, Kenny vs. Spenny I strongly recommend watching this. The next episode "Who Can Eat More Meat?" airs tonight (Sunday) at 11:30 PM EST.

I've been watching this show ever since I read a piece written by show co-creator Kenny Hotz in the Vice V13N8 issue, which I've included below as an attempt to get you, reader, interested and laughing. I'm not sure we have any legal permission to post this, but if Vice requests it removed it shall be done.

from Vice V13N8
I Told My Friend He Had AIDS
by Kenny Hotz

I make my living being a total fucking asshole. It makes me feel bad sometimes but it sure beats the shit out of selling wheelchairs to old people on the phone. I live with my roommate and we have a show in Canada where we compete against each other. Some of you may have heard of it. It’s called Kenny vs. Spenny.

Basically the show is me and my idiot roommate, who looks like Jar Jar Binks with Down syndrome, competing in fuckedup competitions. Shit like: Who can gain the most weight in a week? Who can make out with the most chicks and drink the most beer before puking?

One of the shows that we did last season was hailed in Canada as the meanest, biggest asshole prank ever blitzkrieged on a loved one. My pal Spencer (Spenny) and I wanted to see, once and for all, who was funnier. So we decided that we were both going to take a week to practice for a stand-up comedy competition and perform in front of a huge comedy guru and let him decide who is the funniest stand-up comedian (like it’s any fucking contest).

I follow the tenets of Sun Tzu’s Art of War, i.e. “Totally crush and destroy your enemy from within.” In Canada, it is mandatory for the Ministry of Health to inform you if you have had sex with a person who has tested positive for the HIV virus. They actually mail out these letters. Could you imagine getting one of these letters? Spenny can.

It’s so easy to forge high-quality counterfeit documentation. I went to the Ministry of Health website, popped their logo on the top of a Word document, and then wrote a letter to Mr. Spencer Nolan Rice informing him that he was going to die of AIDS. I made sure he got it right in the middle of his preparation for the competition. After he got it in the mail, he actually puked.

Forgetting about the competition, Spenny tearfully confided in me that there was a chance he had AIDS (I didn’t know, remember? He got this letter from the government). Being the wonderful friend that I am, I pretended to drop everything and arranged for grief counseling, blood tests, insurance plans, the writing of his will, and all the other shit that most people would do if they thought they were dying.

Spenny’s week prior to the competition consisted of many golden moments. Casually calling girls he’d fucked trying to find out if they were the one with HIV. He gave me a few of his favorite belongings and paid me back some of the cash he’s owed me over the years.

The good news is a blood test takes seven to ten days to come back—in this case well after the competition ended. One of the AIDS counselors I set him up with, whose name was actually Gaylord (I swear to God), told Spenny that the best thing he could do would be to go on with his life, so Spenny decided to go on with the competition.

I actually got scared for a minute because nothing is funnier than a totally depressed, pathetic comedian, but then I remembered we’re dealing with fucking Spenny over here.

We get to the comedy club and Spenny goes first, gets onstage, and starts his bit. A few jokes in, it appeared like the whole depression thing was working for him. But all of a sudden he fucking freezes and tells the audience about the letter that says he might have AIDS and walks off the stage. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. Pure platinum. He broke down and almost started crying.

I ended up giving the judge a copy of the letter I sent Spenny and he gave me the win for unleashing such a devious plan on my best friend.

I did feel a little bad for doing it because I had to be with him on suicide watch and it’s a lot of effort to take care of a pal with pretend AIDS. His mother almost had a fucking coronary, but she’s a bit of a bitch anyways. The funny thing is, when he found out I totally faked the whole thing, he was so happy that he didn’t have HIV that to this day there’s been no retribution.

1 comment:

erika airwrecker said...

If Vice wants it pulled, tell them you'll do it only if they finally send us those Boredoms reissues they promised us.